what a tuesday.

we had a meeting today at 11 with the hartford folks. this was saying "yes we're keeping kc open." or "no, kc is shutting down." they said the first one, but underwriting and claims are history. they said we (as in my department) will know if we're keeping our jobs by april 30th. me? can't wait that long. i started hunting around today after work.

and then i got home and there was an airborne express package. it was from the mortgage dude. inside was a form that said "amount borrowed: $159 something." insane. so surreal. i have a wife and i'm hunting down a house to start a family. kind of put the job in its place. anyway, needless to say, if everything goes right i'm super duper excited.

fuckin a. (that should give you an indication of what kind of mood i'm in. not too often i drop an f-bomb in a public forum)

ever had one of those days where you just hate everything around you? don't want to talk to anyone? anything anyone says you just go "whatever. piss off."

let me tell how my day has gone, and keep in mind it's only 8:25 am. i wake up and everything is good. i have my coffee, watch some tv, eat my breakfast. i'm all set to walk out the door at 6:55. right on schedule.

i walk out to my car to start it. i figure that i'll sit in it while it warms up and i'll drink some coffee. i unlock the door. good, no ice there (we had freezing rain yesterday). attempt to open the door...and it won't open all the way. well it will, but the front cornerpanel will be pushing in. in other words, opening the door causes a prying motion on the cornerpanel. so i figure, alright, so much for sitting in the car, i'll get the scraper and get some of this ice off the windows (i had gotten most of it off the car yesterday, just not the windows). so i unlock the back door. i pull up on the back door handle...and the God damn thing snaps off!! just snaps! oh, and a few weeks ago the gas tank door thing was frozen shut (because of ice) so i had to pry it open with a screwdriver. there's a little button i push inside the car to trigger it to open. the little thing inside the door broke off when i was prying it open. that's broken too. after breaking the handle i say "f this sh--! i'll just sit in the car, drink some coffee, listen to some sports talk." well after telling myself to not forget that i put my coffee in the driver's seat since i couldn't get in the car all the way because the frickin door wouldn't open all the way i sit down...on my coffee. spilling it all over my draws. so i storm back inside throwing my coat down and slamming doors and explaining to shayna (OH, who's staying home today btw) what all happened. and just to add to all this the apprehension i have over tomorrow. y'see, tomorrow we find out if our office is staying open. not if we keep our jobs, just if we're staying open. obviously if they say "we're shutting down overland park" then i go looking for a job. if they say "we're keeping overland park open" then i sit and wait to see in what capacity they're keeping it open. so i'm dealing with that unnecessary shit too.

and then there's the whole home loan thing. my credit? kicks ass. shayna's credit? not so good. a $1200 debt on a credit card, and some other debt that she tried explaining to me but i didn't really get. all i got was we need to pay that crap off before we can attempt to qualify for a loan. good news on that is the mortgage dude said, assuming we (well shayna since the debt's in her name) clear up that red mark, have an awesome shot at an FHA loan. thanks to my credit.

so anyway, let's run down what's broken on my car and/or needs repairs-
driver/passenger front inside door handles - BROKEN
backseat - had some chemical spilled on it that essentially causes anything that comes in contact with it to disintegrate.
driver side back door outside handle - BROKEN
trunk - BROKEN (won't open for now. i'll have to crawl in through the chemical infested backseat to fix the latch)
gas tank door - HALF BROKEN. still opens, just doesn't lock shut like it used to.
taillight/brake light - HALF BROKEN. light's work, the casing is broken. i got a frustrated with an ex one night and kicked it in (thinking it wouldn't break - rude awakening).
muffler - could use a new one. car is loud.
methinks that's all. seriously, i loved that car when i got it. LOVED it. now, i just want to drive it way out in the middle of kansas and let the coyotes have it. there was a time, a few months ago actually, when i thought i could get at least $1000 for it in trade-in value if i just fixed the door handles and the back seat and the trunk and the taillight. i mean, that stuff would take 5 minutes. but now? more like $200.

AUGH.

i.
want.
to.
go.
home.

You are Film.
You are the youngest of the art forms and you have
a lot to prove. A blend of Photography and
Drama, it's difficult to see you as a unique
individual.


What form of art are you?
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just call me dillon quartermaine...or dawson leary.

the best video to watch in the morning? taylor by jack johnson. true, his music is *way* too mellow for me, but ben stiller is hil. ari. ous.

i just keep seeing him "pitter patter" on the windowsill. ha!

i've been having issues lately. thinking about...well past friends i guess. two guys in particular. y'know, the two that were supposed to be ushers, essentially groomsmen in my wedding but bailed at the last minute. at the time of the wedding i thought i was cool with it. things come up and you have to do what you can. however, in retrospect, ira knew about it for months and could've stuck like 20 bucks in a cookie jar once a month and had plenty to make it down there. chris on the other hand, i'm not so sure that i should buy his story. way back in may he purchased a new truck. well supposedly the check never went through...until right before my wedding. hence he had no money to pay for gas, food, lodging, etc. kinda shady but i believed it at the time, now i'm not so sure. anyway, that's not really my issue. how long have i been married? two and a half months sound about right? in that time, only one of them has contacted me. which one you ask? ira. why you ask? he wanted me to be a reference for a job he was applying for. when i heard the voicemail i laughed. i called him back, got his voicemail, left a message. he called back but i didn't answer. i think i was playing a game or something. in his message he mentioned that he was sorry he didn't make it and that i was probably mad over that. not really, just disappointed.

but now, it's been 2 and a half months and i've been thinking about calling him and saying "hey let's go grab a beer and shoot the shit." but i'm extremely hurt that neither of them (chris lives in denver but i *KNOW* he comes to town usually once a month, sometimes twice) have made an attempt to try and call me and stop by or take me out or whatever. it should also be further mentioned that they didn't come to my bachelor party either. in chris' defense, i think tim didn't let them know until a week before, maybe two. short notice for him to get the time off, WHEN, at that moment - SO NO, NOT in his defense - he had asked for a week off for what? who's wedding? JOHN'S!!! well ain't that some shit.

i dunno. i got mad mixed feelings over this. so now, let both (the two people that read this still) of your voices be heard. let me know what you think i should do. should i be the big man and call them? or just move on and chalk these friendships up as past buddies?

this shouldn't be necessary.

just once i'd like to see kc win some form of a championship. something that i can brag about.

but it will never happen. we did something as a city to curse or doom ourselves to never win again. in the meantime, i had a barbeque pizza from pizza hut last night when i got home from the game (which by the way, wore me out so much i fell asleep on the couch at around 6, then collapsed going to the bedroom from there) and today for lunch i brought the last two slices. but i'm strongly considering going to wendy's and getting a triple bacon cheddar cheeseburger.

depressed and disappointed doesn't even begin to describe it.

when do pitchers and catchers report for spring training?

boo! i want my damn tickets. game is on sunday and they're still not here. i called ticketmaster tonight and they said if they aren't here on saturday to call and they'd stick 'em at will call for me. i hope they come soon. i hate will call. i'd rather get to the parking lot and sit at the car for 3 hours and drink rather than sit at the car, walk to the will call, walk back to the car, then back to the stadium. lazy, i know.

sunday sunday sunday! going to a playoff game in a ... honda accord. eh well.

GO CHIEFS!

the chiefs are on the warpath!
go chiefs go!

what's cooler than being cool?
ice cold!
what's cooler than being cool?
ice cold!

it's cold out today. let's ya know you're alive i say. it was 2 this morning. and that ain't celsius folks.

well the holidays are over and once again i have survived. at least this time i had someone to go through it with. God bless that woman for putting up with my antics.

anyway, january 5th. i'm no longer a cna employee, but a hartford employee. and y'know what? it does indeed feel different. we still use the same systems, the same email address, everything's the same except for the company paying me, and i can tell that has changed.

also, this time of year i throw in the can't hardly wait soundtrack. why you ask? because it was quite literally the soundtrack to my first liberating winter break waaaay back in 1998. awesome winter break. i almost want to say it was the last time all of us from high school were actually here for the break. and we also had one of the all-time best parties at my buddy's house. story time!

i didn't really drink before i was 21 and i was in a horrible (that's an understatement) relationship before that break. i want to say it was may of 1998 when i finally got out. so that winter break was like me burning my bra, saying "i'm not gonna protest!" virtually every other night was spent at the brooksider, which at the time was nothing more than a hole in the wall. plus it was the only bar that served minors (and for all you do-gooders they don't do that no more). progress and selling out got the better of them. we took this picture one night (one of my pals was moving to north carolina, that's a whole 'nother story) of all of us in this booth in front of this wall...which isn't there anymore. they knocked it out and took over the next space. it's basically twice the size upstairs now. i think it might be the same downstairs now but either way, i can't really go back. it wouldn't be the same. anyway, the nights that we didn't go out i tried to get whomever i could to go out with me. if i couldn't do that then i would stay home and play legend of zelda: ocarina of time. it was big at the time y'know.

the bottom line is i get all mushy and sad and sentimental whenever i listen to this cd and it's absolutely-freeze-your-nipple-off cold outside. it just takes me back to a time that was a lot of fun and i had no cares in the world.

*sigh* well, back to work.